BatBubba and Abnerobin in "Chettan, where's my Car?"

Note : To all you dumbass non Mallus Chettan means Bro, as in, 'Yo! What is haapnin' Bro!"

FIFTH LAST CHAPTER
A loud buzzing noise made BatBubba open his eyes! The pain caused by the blinding glare of daylight was too much for his photo-sensitive bat eyes! "Aiyo! Raascal! Who opened the bloody windows!!!!" wailed the beleaguered Bubba!

Abnerobin groaned in reply from the adjacent cot, "Must be the maid! Rosy Kutty! Cleaning the room!"

"Rosy Kutty!!!?? What in the name of Maamooty's Magnificent Moustache is she doing here so early???"

"What do you mean early!" smirked Abnerobin maddeningly! "She never left yesterday! Don't tell me that you are so sloshed that you forgot last night's, ahem, festivities!"

"Aargh!", groaned BatBubba, "I vaguely remember a cow being involved!"

Thwangg! A dustpan flew on BatBubba's head and the door banged close as BatBubba, rubbing his throbbing head gingerly, caught a glimpse of the maid's ample posterior make a-priori exit from their home!

"No! come back Rosy Kutty! I hadn't meant you! Aaargh!!! or maybe I had! God my head is aching so bad even my ass can feel it! Abnerobin please go get some hot Kaapi for me! My bat senses are all a-jingling"

"There is no Kaapi Powder in the house Bubba Boyee! I will go to the super mart and get it!"

Abnerobin left the house dragging his unwilling feet slowly towards the parking lot, but what he saw there made him rush back into the house in super speed! Sooongggg! (The noise Abnerobin makes while moving at super speed.)

"Holy Khalap's Candies! BatBubba, the BatMaruti800 has been stolen!"

"What!" cried BatBubba, getting to his feet! "Are you sure?"

"Hell yeah!" yelped Abnerobin! "The keys are still here. Someone must have hot wired it! But who could have done it?"

"It could be any of the super-rascals we have pummeled over these years. The Giggler! Absolute Jeero! LoudMouth Lobo! It could even be a terrorist organization like Al Pussaida!"

Abnerobin eyed BatBubba sceptically! The overdose of liquor had obviously affected BatBubba's reasoning!

"I think it's more likely that one of our party guests yesterday night must have made off with the car. Only they could have had knowledge of the secret parking spot we use to park the BatSuzuki!"

"Groan! Maybe u'r rite Abbey!" So who all did we invite apart from er.. Rosy Kutty?"

"Well ... At 8 p.m. The first super-guests had arrived ... The Gas Boy AKA Rubby Rogers, The Assassinator Twins AKA Pious and Patrick. Along with them were GMATwoman and The Amazing Blob!"

At 9 The Chooserminator and Abhinandan Boy arrived!"

BatBubba chortled, "Abhinandan Boy! You mean the ex-sidekick of the tragic super-zero Hariteman. Funny you didn't AKA him. Abhinandan Boy AKA Abnerobin's toy boy! LOL!"

"Shut up BubbaBoyee! It had only been once on a hot Sunday night when the fan was not working and one thing led to ..."

"Okay! Okay! I don't need the sordid details! So we can count out Rosy Kutty(she can't drive too well with the enormous airbags in her front) and The Amazing Blob (he'd never fit into the vehicle) Well what about GMATwoman? You know she is The Giggler's girlfriend! Could she have passed inside information to him?"

"Nope! The Giggler's currently too busy in his plot to take over the world by converting biogas to laughing gas!"

"Well Ok! Speaking of Gas! Maybe Rubby Rogers did it?"

"Nope! He's too full of hot air to stoop to stealing cars!" sighed Abnerobin.
He continued, "So that leaves us with the Assasinator Twins, Chooserminator and Abhinandan Boy! Well I vouch for Abhindanboy!"

"Yeah, you would, wouldn't you!", jeered BatBubba sarcastically! "Well the Chooserminator can travel back and forth in time! Why would he need a car! It must be the Twins! We need to get to their secret hideout immediately! What do we have for alternative transport??"

Abnerobin sighed again!

Soon enough astride on the BatToboCycle the Mallu MenOfAction raced towards LokhandWalaLand, the not-so-secret hideout of the Assasinator twins ...


FOURTH LAST CHAPTER
... Meanwhile ... Pious was staring intently out of the window of his plush hideout on the 27th Floor of Superhero Villa.
Patrick lying on the sofa in front of the TV called out, "Hey Bro! Stop moping about her already! She's married now! You can have all the girls you want! "

Pious continued staring out.

Suddenly the door blasted open and Batbubba and Abnerobin burst into the room!
"What the hell! " burst out Patrick AKA The Prat Man!

"Confess up Assassinator Twins! You guys filched our BatOmni!"

"What! Have you gone stark raving mad! Why would we steal your rundown car when we have our own AssAssMobile!? Still, If you want you can search the premises!" An extensive search revealed nothing and the Disappointed Duo pedalled back furiously to their BatVeetee. (Sigh! Time to again translate for the ignorant non-Mallus that the entire world seems to filled with. Veetee means home as in "Rosy Kutty! Veetee Poova!" )

As they parked the BatToboCycle in the forlorn looking parking lot, BatBubba's photosensitive eyes caught a glimpse of light glinting off something lying on the ground where the BatMarutiZen had been. Picking it up he saw that it was a pair of Ray-Bans. Realization hit BatBubba and Abnerobin like a pail of cold water - "The Chooserminator!!!!"

The Chooserminator was a cyborg who had come from the future to kill the famous industrialist Don Thito Corleone (who was also a part-time Mafia Magnate), owner of Rupa Innerwears Limited! Chooserminator had later claimed that in the future The Don would go on to manufacture a revolutionary pocket-wala innerwear which would itch so bad that it would drive it's wearer mad with murderous rage and would ultimately lead to the destruction of mankind! After an epic battle Chooserminator had been the ultimate victor and mankind had thus been spared an itchy and painful end. RayBans had been his most favoured accessory.

BatBubba and Abnerobin were stunned. Why would such a great superhero stoop to something so low as to stealing a car? As they sat there pondering over this imponderability, Abnerobin's super-sensitive nose caught whiff of a familiar smell of a brand of perfume. The same scent that had overpowered his senses on that fateful muggy Sunday afternoon! He didn't want to believe it. He had been betrayed by ... by ... No! it was unthinkable! But BatBubba had caught Abnerobin's expression of horror. "Abhinandanboy was here too, wasn't he!"

BatBubba grimaced, "Hmm. No Matter, we will take care of that conniving Bailyamos later on. Right now we need to prepare ourselves for an epic battle. Chooserminator is undoubtedly the most deadly foe we have faced yet!"

But Abnerobin was still in shell - shock and was catching his head in his hands while whispering monotously, "No! He couldn't! He wouldn't!" BatBubba realized with a sinking feeling that Abnerobin was in no condition to face Chooserminator. For the first time in his crimefighting career, he would be without his resourceful partner. Leaving Abnerobin in the garage, he strode towards his LaBubbatory.

From his extensive research files, BatBubba knew exactly what made the Chooserminator so dangerous. The adamantium plated exo-skeleton and jute plated thermal innerwear made him invulnerable to all attack (from above and below) and the ultimate bad-ass ever. Using the incomparable technological prowess that BatBubba had developed in the world-famous SFIT Mechanics lab under Prof. ChalluMallu, he set about manufacturing his own armour and weaponry. Once he was done, he surveyed his work with quiet satisfaction.

The stage was set for the mother of all battles.

THIRD LAST CHAPTER
As BatBubba geared up himself to challenge the psychotic cyborg, Abnerobin had set about on his own quest. He would find out that weaselly lil' Abhinandanboy and get some answers. He fought back the tears as they threatened to spill out and flood his face. This was not the time to cry, but to act.

Steeling his heart, he entered the gentleman's bar called Majestic Park where he knew he would find the traitor. He saw Abhinandanboy seated in a corner table with some friends. He sprang towards the table and caught hold of Abhinandanboy by the scruff of his neck. But his opponent was a strong pansy and he was able to push Abnerobin away and raced out of the exit. Abnerobin followed him in hot pursuit.

Abhinandanboy was headed towards the parking lot, and there in the shadows was parked the BatEsteem. Before he could get into the vehicle Abnerobin overtook him and put his arm around his neck in a vice like grip. "Stop! You're choking me", pleaded Abhinandanboy. "I won't leave you, until you tell me why ..." But before he could complete his sentence he felt a sharp blow on the back of his head. Letting go of Abhinandanboy, Abnerobin turned around to catch a glimpse of a face as he stumbled to the ground. "No! You are supposed to be dead!" gasped Abnerobin as he lost conciousness.

Meanwhile, BatBubba had traced the Chooserminator's whereabouts. He had enrolled himself in Baba Altaf Bangali's ashram in the upper reaches of Lower Parel, in order to learn human spirituality. BatBubba confronted the cyborg who was performing Nidrasan in the lawns of the Ashram. Decked in his newly manufactured body-armour, BatBubba kicked the comatose cyborg. Opening his eyes, the cyborg shouted out - "Who dares disturb Choosali Baba! Yes! I have left my old name and have adopted this new one, as befitting my new spiritual awakening!"

"Wot crap!", shouted an enraged Bubba, "Yesterday! You had turned up at my party, stolen my BatPalio, and today you pretend to be a saint! Well, you ain't fooling me! Hand over my vehicle and maybe I will let you live!" And to prove that he was serious, BatBubba fired a warning shot at the cyborg's feet.

Well, Baba or no Baba, the cyborg formerly known as the Chooserminator wasn't going to tolerate this and shedding his sadhu garb, he jumped into battle. It is said that even the Gods temporarily left their heavenly abode to witness the battle between these two titans.

... Meanwhile ... Abnerobin slowly regained his conciousness. He found himself tied up in the back of his own vehicle. The man who had struck him came to check on him. Abnerobin croaked haltingly, "Hariteman! It was you all along! How the hell are you still alive? You were supposed to have been killed when Fatty Jose had fallen on you (refer to Hariteman Adventure 1)? Why did you steal our car?"

Contrary to his reputation, Hariteman smiled.

SECOND LAST CHAPTER
He spoke in his well-known constipated voice, "Because, I am a jealous grumpy old man that's why! Before you Mallu maniacs showed up on the scene, I used to be the most desirable superhero around. PlayGirl Magazine had crowned me as the "Most Sizzlingly Sensous Superhero for women in the age group 75-80".

"But all that changed. You two took away all the prizes, the acclaim and the glory. I had become so depressed that I carelessly allowed Fatty Jose to crush me and almost kill me. But here was my stroke of luck. Everyone thought that I was dead. I immediately formed a plan to overthrow you'll. I sent my faithful sidekick to seduce you, gain your confidence and gain entry to your home, which he managed to do very admirably."

Abhinandanboy blushed manfully at the compliment.

"And then on the night of the party when you'll were drunk and asleep I made off with your BatAmbassador and placed Chooserminator's Ray-Bans there. I knew that BatBubba in his hot-headedness would rush to challenge the cyborg and would be killed in the battle which he cannot win. But I hadn't counted on the fact that you would not be by his side at this crucial juncture."

Hearing this Abnerobin felt miserably guilty at having abandoned his dynamic partner and immediately started to formulate a plot to free himself. Hariteman after having made his self-congratulatory monologue, left him tied up in the back of the BatSantro with Abhinandanboy in charge. On his departure, Abnerobin immediately started making puppydog-eyes at Abhinandanboy and pleaded to shift him into a more comfortable position.

All this while, Abnerobin had been working at his knots and had managed to get them loose and when Abhinandanboy came closer he immediately attacked him, overpowered him and broke free from his bonds. After tying up Abhinandanboy more securely than he himself had been tied, Abnerobin went to the car's intercom panel and frantically tried to communicate with the pager in BatBubba's Batbelt.

... Meanwhile ... BatBubba and Choosali Baba were both locked in battle trying to pummel the other into submission. BatBubba felt his BatPager vibrating and raising his hand to his mouth gestured to the cyborg, "Time Please!"

He saw the message on the pager, "Abbey Here - BatVehicle Found. Chooserminator not villian, Hariteman is. Arrive at Majestic Bar ASAP."

BatBubba began embarassedly, "Err ... Choosali Bhai! There has been a slight er.. misunderstanding. Sorry for it. Please forget about this little episode. I have to leave now!"

But Choosali Baba's ire could not be doused. "Forget about this?!!!! Out of the question! Choosali Baba's fighting spirit cannot be bottled again once it has been unleashed! Now face Baba ka Prakop!"

BatBubba took to his heels with the cyborg in hot pursuit of him!

AND FINALLY THE LAST CHAPTER
Desperate times call for desperate measures from despos. BatBubba somehow managed to evade the clutches of the cyborg and reach Majestic Bar. He saw Abnerobin in the parking lot and shouted to him, "Where is Hariteman?"

Abnerobin gestured towards the bar and BatBubba ran into it. All this while Hariteman had been merrily getting drunk, singing "Stephen's Utthapa" with his booze buddies, unaware of all the drama outside. Seeing Hariteman, BatBubba rushed towards him and so did Choosali Baba, who too had entered the bar in pursuit.

Seeing Hariteman, his old nemesis, the cyborg forgot all about BatBubba. The Chooserminator had nurtured a deep hatred for Hariteman ever since he was a small cyborg baby in metal diapers, and had always dreamt of facing him in battle. (Hariteman had killed the cyborg's evil creator/genius Dr. Pondicherry in front of his eyes.) However, he had been deeply disappointed when he had learnt of Hariteman's alleged death.

But here was his oppurtunity and brushing aside BatBubba, he attacked Hariteman instead. Now friends, Hariteman might be the villian in this particular tale and dead drunk, but remember he was once a brave and noble and cherished superhero whose daring exploits had warmed our hearts and chilled our loins.

The battle between these two was a terrible yet fascinating spectacle to watch. Both were equally matched in strength and prowess and Hariteman met each of the cyborg's blows manfully. Every drunk in the bar would later recall the scene with a tear in his eye, wistfully sighing at the end, "Now that was a true hero!!"

Ultimately, realizing that he could not win the battle, the Chooserminator decided to teleport himself into the future. However just as the cyborg was dematerializing, Hariteman caught onto him and in a flash, both of them vanished from the present leaving behind only a trail of cosmic dust.

As to their eventual fates, we who are constrained to the present can only learn of it as and when we reach that unknown time in the future.

BatBubba came out of the bar and fell into Abnerobin's arms, sapped out of all energy. As they drove back to the BatVeetee silently in their reacquired BatMercedes, Abnerobin who was driving remarked glancing at the fuel gauge, "We need to stop for a fuel refill." They pulled over a petrol pump and filling up the tank decided to visit the convenience store at the pump to buy some Appams to fill their famished stomachs.

When they came out, Abnerobin cried out in despair, "Chettan, where's my car????"

They had underestimated the purloining powers of the pansy who they had thought had been firmly secured in the back of the vehicle.

BatBubba shaking his head sighed wearily, "Aargh! Forget it mone'. Lets take the bus."

********** THE END **********

Mission Mantralayam

Before you jump to the conclusion that this post is about a racy account of a covert espionage mission to the place where our Mantris preside and reside let me declare ... it's not!
It's about the religious pilgrimage (are there pilgrimages of any other type??) that I underwent last weekend with my parents to the picturesque little town which straddles the banks of the ruined and depleted TungaBhadra river in Andhra Pradesh, famous for being the place where Shri Raghavendra Swamiji (one of the most hallowed and venerated saints of Hindu Dharma) took Samadhi.

I had been ambivalent about the trip from the beginning!

I have become deeply attached to Mumbai, despite of the sweat, the stench and the grime. I love the fact that even at 12 in the night and 5 in the morning, I find this city alive and about, a city which caters to all your needs however exotic they may be.

But in my family, I am not allowed to say No for a trip to a religious place. It is considered sacrilege and I am generally considered to be, among my relatives, the one most likely to commit sacrilege. 'Oh that good for nothing Santosh. Mark my words. He will shame us all yet.'

So I started with my packing, with a heavy heart. I made up this game in my mind, to make sure I survive the boredom that is inherent to such trips. I conceived that I am going on a mission which will last 72 hours. Every 8 hours I survive on it I would reward myself with a point. 9 points would mean that I win. Or come crap like that.

The train journey was as usual summed up in one word, Horrible. We went by sleeper class, my bunk was smeared with the dirt that had been accumulating since the days of The East India Company. And our companions were pesky little kids who would have nothing better to do than giggle at me the whole day. I pressed my pillow on my face and tried to see how long I could remain without suffocating to death.

When I had almost reached my breaking point, the train reached Mantralayam Junction, a quaint little railway station, 8 miles away from the temple. We took a bus, where I was heartily abused by the conductor for sitting on the seat reserved for ladies (The sign was in Telugu - so shoot me!), and reached the main temple town after an hour.

Immediately we set about searching for a decent hotel room. But since the busy weekend was coming up all the bastards had hiked up the rates by almost 4 times. Since everything was damn expensive, we just spent the day going from 1 guest house to the other. To add to our luck it started raining and we were stranded in the lobby of such a guest house. My dad, who was dead tired after all the running around, decided to take a room here itself. It turned out to be the most expensive one in town.

So we got an excellent room with TV and geyser!!! Yea!! Good for us! Not quite. TV and geyser for some godforsaken reason, never work when there is no electricity. And there was never any electricity. By Swamijis grace, atleast they had a generator which allowed the fans to work.

Finally we went to the temple complex. Outside the complex, my eyes fell upon some deer tied up in an enclosure. I don't know what they were doing there and why PETA wasn't on the scene. These beautiful animals were made by God to run freely in grassy forest meadows, not tied up in cages surrounded by their own excreta.

Washing ourselves, we entered the temple in the evening. After joining the huge queue of people lining up for a darshan, we sat in the courtyard of the temple waiting for the evening festivities to begin. Every evening there is a rathotsava where the idol of God is placed in a chariot of Gold and is wheeled around the temple, once pulled by the aged temple elephant and once by devotees who had paid for this privilege.

I checked my mission counter. I had only gotten 2 points so far. 7 points left. I steeled myself and watched the activities silently.

The next day we shifted hotels. After investigating without any rain hindering us, we found that the Karnataka Government Choultry was charging a quarter of what we were currently paying for the rooms. There was no AC and geyser here, but the room was airy and there was a magnificent garden.

It was this garden that saved my trip. It had started drizzling and I went and sat in the garden bench. It was desolated at this time in the late afternoon. The atmosphere was pleasant, I could hear birds chirping. I saw the trees in full bloom with flowers. Slowly I started reciting the prayers that my dad regularly exhorts me to recite. I felt good. I know it's a cliche, but I actually felt one with nature.

I had finally gotten into a religious mood.This mood wasn't necessary connected with me being a Hindu or identifying with any deity. It was me acknowledging that there is a force above us which is present with us throughout our life. This life force that we can only truly sense when we our alone warmly ensconced in the bosom of Mother Nature and not when we are caught in a mad throng of people rushing towards a common goal.

I suddenly didn't want to return to Mumbai. I forgot about my mission or my points tally or anything else. Ironically just when I had gotten to enjoy my trip, it was over and we were back in Mumbai.

So now that I have undergone this experience am I more religious individual now?
God alone knows.